Theo Delaney

Some say they don’t enjoy the World Cup like they used to because of what’s become of top players.

As a director I’ve worked with a lot of England footballers. These are some of the observations I've heard being made in recent weeks. In my experience, none of them are true.

‘Footballers are pampered ponces’.

I’ve had actors turn up so hungover they can’t stop puking, I’ve had ‘real people’ ask for bigger Winnebagos. And I’ve had models keep entire crews waiting ‘til 5pm before coming out of make up. I’ve had no such trouble from footballers.

(Actually, Frank Lampard once kept us waiting ten minutes because the awestruck local kids wanted a kick around and he couldn’t resist. We weren’t complaining - we filmed it and used it).

‘Footballers are thick’.

Directing non-actors can be challenging. (Actually, directing actors can be challenging). Directing footballers is relatively easy. They look you in the eye, they listen intently, they carry out your instructions. If they need clarification, they ask for it.
I think it’s because being directed is a fundamental part of their day job. At the very top level, players never run onto the pitch without a long list of detailed instructions that must be carried out to the letter. To be able to do that in the heat of battle takes a rare kind of intelligence.

‘Footballers only care about football’.

I’ve never worked with a footballer who didn’t give a toss about how well the thing turned out. They are instinctive perfectionists.

I recently filmed two sketches for the FA with Jermain Defoe, Shaun Wright Phillips, Peter Crouch and Gareth Barry. It was an impossible task because Capello could only spare them for an hour and a half. But we pulled it off because all four of them where fiercely determined to finish the work and make it as good as it could be. (Crouch in particular has a big future in front of the camera)

‘Footballers are insensitive oiks.’

I once did a commercial with a bunch of England players including Rio Ferdinand. I set up a wide shot of the players walking and chatting and Rio wanted to know what they should be talking about. I explained that it didn’t matter because we weren’t recording sound. ‘That’s good’ he said ‘ ’cause we were slaughtering you’. For a split second my bottom lip must have quivered because Rio – far from going in for the kill - gripped me reassuringly by the arm and said ‘I’m only joking mate’.

Top footballers earn a lot of money and lead dream lives. If they were a bunch of horrible idiots we might find that easier to deal with. But the truth is, they’re mostly just good blokes.

Come on England!